California Dreamer

22

2006-06-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

[deleted]

legs up!

2006-01-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

haha, i think i'm cured!
i'm back to lovable mood...
i might get some action tonight, yey!!
the possibility of sex has always been appealing to me!

it could`ve been true.

2006-01-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

[deleted]

maybe just a prozac

2006-01-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

[deleted]

o reveillón

2005-12-23T07:27:00.000-08:00

good bye, 05.
i'll really miss ya.
i'm glad i lived through it. i'm glad i went through everything i went through this year. a lot of changes, i lived 20 years in one.
it was a year of growth, of learning, of pushing limits and finnaly getting to know myself.
it was the most important year of my life... god! if someone had told me, twelve months ago that i'd be sitting at my own apartment in brazil i'd laugh at that person's face.
if someone had told me of all the pain and of the recovering,
if someone had told me that i'd have to go to a.a. meetings, that i'd have to be scared of going to jail, that i'd drive a beamer for 3 months, that i'd hit the lowest point i've ever hit...
if someone had told me i'd start to smoke pot, that i would start to walk (haha, yeah, i walk now... a lot!)
if someone had told me that i'd come out to my family,
i would have never believed...
i'm happy that i'm still here, because so many times i felt like i would just give up.
this year was about diving deep into myself and discovering shit that maybe i was too scared of finding out...
and all the people that i met,
all the fights, god, so many fights!
so many laughs too. so much partying, so much fucking happiness.
this is the year that made me into myself.
and i'm glad i lived through it.
i'm glad i lived it all.

a little happy note.

2005-11-29T13:40:00.000-08:00

literally feel like death right now.
trying my hardest to not get on the first plane away from here
and all the problems
and HIM
what did i do?
what did i fucking do???

zzzzzzzzzz

2005-11-26T05:47:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I updated this blog. I don't know why, a lot of stuff has happened in the past three months. I should have wanted to write it all down, but every time I tryed I really didn't feel any inspiration. It's hard for me to find inspiration at good times, because it ends up sounding fake. If I'm having a great time, if things are just working out, writing about, at least to me, seems like I'm trying to show off, like I want people to know that I'm doing okay. I don't know if I'm makeing any sense, but...
Well, as usual, my peak of happiness is being followed by a very low stage. It's normal human behavior, but I guess since I'm about to finish Prozac Nation for the second time, any sadness can be interpreted as a clinical case of depression...
Not that I'm doing all that bad, but things could be better. I guess I reached that point of "what the fuck did I do?" the same I felt when I first moved to California, five years ago.
Getting used to a new country is hard. i'm not working right now, it's been impossible to find a job, and I have all this free time to think about shit and wonder why did I ever get on that plane. My mood has been darker than ever, I find myself snapping at people that have nothing to do with my anger, just trying to take some of the burden of my shoulders. The boyfriend is clearly not happy with me, he's gained weight, and we don't have sex anymore. He went from this charismatic person with a great sense of humor, to someone who's always tired and doesn't want to ever see me. I'm always fighting with someone, mostly because I'm stressed out and everything makes me irritated.
Last night I had a huge fight with one of my best friends, and I feel so bad about all the terrible things I said to her that I don't even have the courage to call and apologize. It wouldn't seem sincere. Now, what do I do? I can't keep pushing people away from me, especially people that are trying so desperately to help me, but I just don't have the energy to keep on smiling and trying to have a good time...
I'm so confused right now... I hope things get better, but if they don't, if I can't find the right track to my life, I just don't know what I'll do.

independência ou morte!

2005-10-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

the apartment has big windows, which run all the way from the ceiling to the floor,
and they all come with amazing views of this amazing city.
this is all i've ever wanted,
on my own, in the city,
spending every night with my boy,
smoking weed in the living room,
i guess this is what independence feels like!

something feels right...

2005-09-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

everything is going o so fucking well since i've moved...
in twelve days i got a job;
teaching english to high executives on big companies;
managed to find a guy who's just unbelievably my type...
we clicked just right.
just right.
plus he's really cute...
what else?
i might be moving to my own apartment in a couple of weeks (freeeeeeeeedom!!!)

no complaints right now...

oh! and radiohead is back in studio for a new album... i mean,
SOMETHING HAS GOT TO BE WRONG WITH THE WORLD!

there, there...

2005-09-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

radiohead

remember who you are
99% certain

don't fuck with me...

2005-09-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

hey, if you can't understand the fact that i'd get REALLY pissed because you blew me off to go to tijuana, FIVE DAYS BEFORE I LEAVE, hey i guess you don't know me AT ALL.

and that's all i have to say.

last day jitters...

2005-09-02T22:52:00.000-07:00

i am starting to realize that i will slowly lose my mind by the end of next week. today was the first day that it hit me. i am actually going through with this. who the fuck do i think i am? am i actually believing the bullshit that i keep telling people of how i've grown and i am ready for this? who am i trying to fool? i can't move to brazil. i won't last a day in brazil. i should stay away from the country and everyone there. they will EAT ME. literaly.
what am i gonna do without my mom? wow, she's gonna be so far away. and all i do while we're still close is fight. ISHOULD STAY.
i love the fact that my brother still has not called me once to talk about the fact that i'm leaving. NOT ONCE. the only reason he knows is because my mom has to run everything through him. i hate him. i mean, even my sister who's become dead inside was talking about a party.
i haven't even started thinking about packing. i'll defenetely think "i need to pack" at least seventeen other times before i actually do it.
i am so lazy.
how am i gonna walk around, take the bus, look for jobs, without having someone telling me to DO IT! not happening.
i should've bought a two-way ticket instead. i mean, at least that way i would still have a plane ticket to come back just in case. after all the money that my mom spent on me, i doubt that she'll want to pay for my return, or if she does, she'll say "I TOLD YOU SO" until i put a bullet through my head and end my misery. she'll never stop saying "i told you so". she's been saying it even before i actually do it.
i hate people that say i told you so. even though i always say it.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
breathe.
....
....
....
....
....
everything will be fine.
..
..
..
..
you're just paranoid cuz' you smoked a lot.
that's all.

where i've been...

2005-08-30T19:03:00.000-07:00

just trying to take everything in.
every sunset, every new view, every time i look up at this impossible blue sky... i have been trying to take advantage of my last days in california. i leave to brazil in less than two weeks (september 9th)
i haven't really been home. every single opportunity that i have to be outdoors, every chance i get of seeing this one thing i haven't seen... i'll take 'em!
just this past week, i went on an amazing boat ride through the newport bay, something i hadn't done before. finally got to see this side of newport that just screams MONEY, MONEY. I mean, our Joe's Crab Shack has a "parking lot" in the back for customers who arrive on boats, with a very cleat sign that says: DOCKING FOR JOE'S CRAB SHACK ONLY. ANY OTHER BOATS WILL BE REMOVED AT OWNER'S EXPENSE. am i the only one who sees the absurdity in this??
this weekend i had my official good bye to vegas, which wasn't as glamorous as i just made it seem, but enrique iglesias did show up. he was looking very cracked out, and anna was nowhere to be seen.
vegas was hot and drunk, and that's about all i can remember. no taking mental pictures there, although i took some amazing pictures on the drive there, which were lost when i dropped my memory card in the water. sometimes being drunk annoys me...

(i know it looks as if i had a massive boner

when this pic was taken. that's just not the case)

i'm off.

2005-08-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

yes i am.
in about some three months or so i'll be on my way back to brazil.
wow, that's fucking scary.
i mean, it's good that i've come to a decision, even though horrifying, because i just simply couldn't continue to fuck with my head, always wondering WHAT IF? nothing is worse than what if, because it's non-existing. what if is a method of torture we inflict on ourselves. it's just your mind trying to say: "hey, if you're not happy right now, look at what you're missing... ah! IF ONLY YOU HAD THE COURAGE"
well, i do.
it was amazing. thinking of the person i was six years a go, i can't see myself.
living in california allowed me to come out of my shell. something i had built to protect me from people. i have always been scared of people, always scared of getting hurt.
getting hurt by words is no longer a big problem because i got hurt by life, and that's much worse. i am now stronger because of it.
in a way i can't wait to come back to see if what i learned will help me there. will keep me in the right track, because it will be all me. My family (mom, brother, sister, nephew and cat) are all going stay. just thinking about not having my mom there gives me the chills.
it will rest on me to fail or succeed. wownzes.
i'm sure i'll be okay though.

--

on a lighter note i went to getty for the first time yesterday. even though we wasted a bucnh of time getting high before-hand and only got to explore for 30 minutes, it was just simply out of this world. the day was so beautiful, one of those blue california skies, without a single cloud...

2005-08-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

yesterday i had an amazing fish dip sort of thing. it was delicious. so delicious that i didn't even realize that i was eating shell fish.
i am allergic to shell fish.
my entire body itches like a mother, i feel sick and want to die.
amazing day to go on a date, eh?
well, with my romantic life going at a constant 0 m.p.h i am not in a position to pass on a date, even on a blind day, which is something that i'm not to found of. i guess the fact that i spend more time in the bathroom than anywhere else shouldn't really matter, right?
o! my i almost forgot. i, somehow, agreed to babysitte for my friend Liz' over the phone when i was sleeping, thinking that i was agrreing to smoke bowl, when that's what i was getting paid with.
so i'm babysitting, have the runs, my body itches, i have a date in thirty minutes, AND I'M NOT EVEN GETTING PAID FOR ANY OF THIS SHIT!!!
i think this is just too hillarious, can't be mad.
o well... god help.

2005-08-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

my wisdom teeth are all trying to come out at once, and i'm in so much pain i can barely open my mouth...

i'm not getting them out til friday, so advil, here i am!

more of the same

2005-08-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

there are a lot of people that i don't really know on this pic.
i mean, i know them, but just by name.
this was at the rehab party, at the hard rock.
it was fun and all, but as straight as straight gets...

funny fact about this picture: it was the only one
taken on the day of my twenty first birthday.
out of all the parties, out of all the clubs and people,
this was the only time i remembered to get my camera.
as you can see, i was drunk most of the time the weeks leading to
my birthday.
so much celebration, so much anticipation,
i was kinda burned out that night...
probably used my real id with drinking purposes 5 times since... !

last time i drove.
(it really wasn't but i'll pretend it was, since it was my last day
"legally" driving)

nice boobs.

people

2005-08-01T11:19:00.000-07:00

this is my wonderful friend michaela.
she's one of the most beautiful people i have ever seen...
she has these classic eastern european features,
she has a freakin' rockin' body,
amazing personality (i know people throw the word "personality"
around like it's nothing, but this rule doesn't apply here... plus,
she knows how to cook!)
she's my soul mate, and even though i couldn't be any gayer,
we act like we're just about the most annoying couple ever, having
these massive fights for just about anything (and i mean it!)

this other fine lady is my friend jillian.
jillian's word is unique... if you were to spend five minutes with
her, you'd realize you have never met anyone like her.
she drives an 85 baby blue corolla, with a broken side mirror that's
still just hangin'. it used to be glued together, but she's realized that gum's
just not gonna cut it. the car is filled (i mean literally) with trash, but you wouldn't
notice, because it ties the car together. she's the one person who can wear a
turquoise fanny pack and still look better than anyone...

THIS IS ME.
I'M FUCKING AWESOME.

this is my nephew, thor.
well, the name is kinda stupid (sorry to any thor who might
be reading this,) but this boy is my life. he was born
three days before my twentyeth birthday, and everytime he sees
me he has this huge smile on his face.
it's weird to see little kids growing up, seeing how their personalities
start shaping...

something funny about this picture:
i was up probably 50-60ft up on a rock, in
the middle of the desert on a rave.
totally fucked up.
that was the most amazing sun-rise i have ever seen...
not really safe to be climbing up rocks at night when you're
fucked up, though

this was the first beach bonfire i went to
it really changed my life.

abuelaaaaa...
just about the flakiest person i have ever met.
she will schedule things with you and never show up,
she will leave you alone for three hours to have sex with her boyfriend,
but you can't help but love her (great tits too!)

i'm done talking about myself...
(ilook at my face on this pic...)

2005-07-31T18:12:00.000-07:00

on the to do list:

BECOME MORE ECLECTIC.

a walk to remember...

2005-07-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

the big question nowadays seems to be what am i going to do with my life. now that the worst (i hope) has passed, what am i going to do?should i get back to school, even though i think it's a waste of time (at least now)? i'd have no problem going back to school, i even miss it, but the problem is i only have another year or so left on my visa (yeah, it sucks!) and i just can't imagine living elsewhere...unless it's london...i've been thinking about europe for a while... now my cousin just moved up there and i'm just so tempted to spend an entire year, based in london, and traveling through europe.honestly, i can go back to school whenever i want. my worried about not having time are long gone... why not take advantage of this situation and get a lesson on living instead of working on my general education? besides, i'm just so far behind my credits, a year or two wouldn't make that much difference...now the question is: can it be done? knowing me, i have my doubts. this is something i really want, but i just can't get myself to stop spending money and just save up for it. believe it or not, my money ends up on either food or weed, and though both might seem like a waste, they're just too important to pass on. (uhm... maybe i should stop eating for a couple of months... ha!)

-

i've lived at my apartment complex for about 4 years now, and just a couple of days ago i found this park literally ACROSS THE STREET from my house. this is why i love being an active being.. look on what i was missing out on for stuck in my car all the time!

::the soundtrack

expo '86 - death cab for cutie

passanger seat - death cab for cutie

jacqueline - franz

love and destroy - franz

white shadows - coldplay

NARC - interpol

optimistic - radiohead

must be dreaming - frou frou

still haven't found what i'm looking for - u2

sitting waiting wishing - jack johnson

length of love - interpol

you learn - alanis

(i know i'm not making any sense, i'm just really horny...)

to: a very curious someone.

2005-07-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

have you ever had a friend who hurt you? i mean, really hurt you?
do you remember how that felt?
now, think of all the people that you have hurt. imagine how they felt.
there's really not that much to say to you anymore. i was a bad friend. i did go into your house, i did eat your food... it truly is something i'm embarrassed of, but hey, life goes on.
do you want me to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness? that i won't do. we're already out of each other's lives. i don't have your number, i don't even know if you still live here. if you got hurt because you were looking for something, it's not my fault. this is my blog, i'll write whatever the fuck i want, be it bad or good, and be sure: it will have lots of spelling errors. i'm brazilian, i do what i can!
i hope you guys are not back together. c'mon that relationship was over, waaaaaay before we had sex.
you know that.
now, if you want to shut your eyes to what happened in the past between you two, that's your problem. blame it all on me, if it helps you to sleep at night.
to me that wasn't a drunk mistake. i was very attracted to him, and i worked for it.
does that make me a whore? sure.
am stressing about it? no.
that post on july 14 was an angry one, because i had just realized that i gave my heart to someone who didn't deserve it. i let myself get into this fucking craziness because i felt like he would solve all my problems. he was prince charming with the freakin' horse and all.
it was a rush. god, those couple of months were just insane. fucked up all the time, depressed all the time... and there he was... i don't know, he was just there, giving me attention when i needed... he was my emotional clutch.
today i feel completely different about the whole situation, but that's only because i know the outcome, and i can see what we were all like. what we are.
i truly believe people come in and out of our lives for a purpose. i don't know what you've learned from me, but i learned a lot from you, learned a lot just by being in your life for a while. i hope you'll look within yourself and know that i have also taught you something.
be it bad or good, you'll decide.
i know i'm a better person because of both of you, and for that i'm thankful.
you can hate me all you want, you're surely not the first, and will NOT BE THE LAST.
what can i do?
i guess saying i'm sorry isn't enough. so i'm outta of your life.
for good.

ps-I'M A WHORE. I'M THE BIGGEST FUCKING SLUT IN THE WORLD. AND I LOVE IT!

i-pod and the stud on the mercedez.

2005-07-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

imagine this scene: a young hot stud on a brand new mercedez slk is holding the traffic on newport blvd at a stop sign. don't know why, maybe because he was scared of hurting his new car, or most certainly because californians really don't know how to drive, whatever the reason, the guy is just not going. the cars behind him are starting to get aggravated, and the more they honk their horns, the longer it takes for the stud to drive.
until a guy, who fed up with the stud, decides to leave his car and yell at the man on the convertible. still nothing.
another guy, comes out of another car. more yells. still, no moving.
by then the lines waiting to get on the blvd (which leads to one of the busiest freeways in orange county) is just gigantic, so one by one, people started to leave their cars and yell at the mercedez guy.
they finally stop the traffic, so that the stud could drive away.
i was sitting at the starbucks right on the corner, laughing my ass off.
besides the obvious (the guy was an asshole, and i wish i could've scratched his car), i got another feeling out of this.
i had just walked thirty minutes to that particular starbucks , just so that i could walk. i mean, i work at a starbucks, i can't even think of that coffee even though i'm completely addicted and drink it everyday. i turn on my i-pod and i go.
and that's how's it's been lately. i pretty much walk everywhere, which is pretty rare, considering southern california wasn't built around pedestrians, but around cars. and the myth is true: everyone drives.
but walking gives me such freedom. it's my time to just listen to music really loud, shut all sounds from outside. i go to the rhythm of every song, always thinking a lot. and they're usually positive thoughts, because by doing this i realized that losing my license wasn't the end of the world. it was something that had to happen. not thinking on the material value of your license, but that piece of nothing is your contract with freedom. driving down pacific coast highway going towards laguna, with the sunset and the ocean right in front of you, so immense you'd think it was a giant plasma screen. somehow it made all the problems go away.
but it is the past, and i realize now that crying because of it made me waste valuable time and dig myself into a bigger hole.
and it's gonna take a lot of energy to fully reach the top. but i can already see A LOT of light. a lot of understanding. these are by far blessed days...

2005-07-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

laguna beach/05

everyone's retarded. (even me)

2005-07-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

god, some people are just too fucking stupid to realize what they're doing to their lives.
i "know" relationships are off limits, no one should tell someone what to do in that matter, but it's just too fucking late. i'm sorry, they have to brake up, she's just completely psycho. but i guess he's stupid if he chose to be with her... maybe they deserve each other, maybe they'll get married and have dysfunctional little babies, that will grow up to be the next McVeigh...
i'm just really bitter, not because i still want him, because i really don't, but just because we were supposed to be really good friends. and the thing is: it didn't surprise me that he'd act like that. i saw it coming. i shouldve prepared myself.
what does it mean when people stop being unpredictable?

::interpol - slow hands

(yeah, we fucked. big fucking deal. that's because he's a big closet case. he's a big fucking homo, and he won't admit it. you know what? it wasn't worth it, he had a small dick)

i heart clear channel.

2005-07-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

i am, for the first time in my life, completely cut out from the "pop-culture" world. in fact, the words culture and pop should not go together. ever.
well, i guess i just got really pissed at the media. i mean, i used to breathe all the useless information that vh1 loves to put out. i used to sit through hours and hours of celebrity showdown, celebrity this, celebrity that, who's best dressed, who was the worst dressed, people with nice bodies, people who have money, paris hilton specials... i mean, did paris and nicole buy vh1?
don't even get me started with the radio. THAT is something i can't deal with. i guess the final straw was the day i tried 5 different radio stations and ALL of them were playing 50 cent. AT THE SAME TIME!!! the guy is a ex-drug dealer who can't even open his mouth, and i bet you he's number one on billboard right now.
i'm so sick of the same thing, over and over, and i guess my voice isn't enough to change the media, but i have made up my mind: they will not tell me what to listen to, they will not tell me what to see. and most importantly: THEY WILL NOT TELL ME HOW I SHOULD BEHAVE! (hear that, mtv?)
i saw forrest gump the other day, for the first time. i'm not really a tom hanks fan so i never really bothered, but the movie was good. just a few decades ago people were out on the street making protesting, making sure their voices were being heard. they were out there making sure that the sexual revolution took place. they were out there trying to put an end to racism. we need this sort of involvement right now, especially amongst gays and lesbians. people are trying to send us back to middle-age, and we are not doing anything. we're just sitting and complaining, and repeating the same mistakes over and over... we need to stand up and fight for our rights. okay, i know this has totally taken a martin luther king tone, but i'm feeling completely revolutionary today.
hun... totally forgot where i was going with this...
oh! if you feel like you disagree with me, please, use words to tell me how you feel. if you just call me an asshole i'll realize you're probably an uneducated red-neck who can't think of anything better to do than to hump his chickens and leave nasty comments on other people's blogs. nothing against the south, of course. i'm sure there must be SOME amazing people out there!
k, that's it,
i'm done here.
just remember: fight the power! (j/k)