on the to do list:

BECOME MORE ECLECTIC.

a walk to remember...

the big question nowadays seems to be what am i going to do with my life. now that the worst (i hope) has passed, what am i going to do?should i get back to school, even though i think it's a waste of time (at least now)? i'd have no problem going back to school, i even miss it, but the problem is i only have another year or so left on my visa (yeah, it sucks!) and i just can't imagine living elsewhere...unless it's london...i've been thinking about europe for a while... now my cousin just moved up there and i'm just so tempted to spend an entire year, based in london, and traveling through europe.honestly, i can go back to school whenever i want. my worried about not having time are long gone... why not take advantage of this situation and get a lesson on living instead of working on my general education? besides, i'm just so far behind my credits, a year or two wouldn't make that much difference...now the question is: can it be done? knowing me, i have my doubts. this is something i really want, but i just can't get myself to stop spending money and just save up for it. believe it or not, my money ends up on either food or weed, and though both might seem like a waste, they're just too important to pass on. (uhm... maybe i should stop eating for a couple of months... ha!)

-

i've lived at my apartment complex for about 4 years now, and just a couple of days ago i found this park literally ACROSS THE STREET from my house. this is why i love being an active being.. look on what i was missing out on for stuck in my car all the time!

::the soundtrack

expo '86 - death cab for cutie

passanger seat - death cab for cutie

jacqueline - franz

love and destroy - franz

white shadows - coldplay

NARC - interpol

optimistic - radiohead

must be dreaming - frou frou

still haven't found what i'm looking for - u2

sitting waiting wishing - jack johnson

length of love - interpol

you learn - alanis

(i know i'm not making any sense, i'm just really horny...)

to: a very curious someone.

have you ever had a friend who hurt you? i mean, really hurt you?
do you remember how that felt?
now, think of all the people that you have hurt. imagine how they felt.
there's really not that much to say to you anymore. i was a bad friend. i did go into your house, i did eat your food... it truly is something i'm embarrassed of, but hey, life goes on.
do you want me to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness? that i won't do. we're already out of each other's lives. i don't have your number, i don't even know if you still live here. if you got hurt because you were looking for something, it's not my fault. this is my blog, i'll write whatever the fuck i want, be it bad or good, and be sure: it will have lots of spelling errors. i'm brazilian, i do what i can!
i hope you guys are not back together. c'mon that relationship was over, waaaaaay before we had sex.
you know that.
now, if you want to shut your eyes to what happened in the past between you two, that's your problem. blame it all on me, if it helps you to sleep at night.
to me that wasn't a drunk mistake. i was very attracted to him, and i worked for it.
does that make me a whore? sure.
am stressing about it? no.
that post on july 14 was an angry one, because i had just realized that i gave my heart to someone who didn't deserve it. i let myself get into this fucking craziness because i felt like he would solve all my problems. he was prince charming with the freakin' horse and all.
it was a rush. god, those couple of months were just insane. fucked up all the time, depressed all the time... and there he was... i don't know, he was just there, giving me attention when i needed... he was my emotional clutch.
today i feel completely different about the whole situation, but that's only because i know the outcome, and i can see what we were all like. what we are.
i truly believe people come in and out of our lives for a purpose. i don't know what you've learned from me, but i learned a lot from you, learned a lot just by being in your life for a while. i hope you'll look within yourself and know that i have also taught you something.
be it bad or good, you'll decide.
i know i'm a better person because of both of you, and for that i'm thankful.
you can hate me all you want, you're surely not the first, and will NOT BE THE LAST.
what can i do?
i guess saying i'm sorry isn't enough. so i'm outta of your life.
for good.

ps-I'M A WHORE. I'M THE BIGGEST FUCKING SLUT IN THE WORLD. AND I LOVE IT!

i-pod and the stud on the mercedez.

imagine this scene: a young hot stud on a brand new mercedez slk is holding the traffic on newport blvd at a stop sign. don't know why, maybe because he was scared of hurting his new car, or most certainly because californians really don't know how to drive, whatever the reason, the guy is just not going. the cars behind him are starting to get aggravated, and the more they honk their horns, the longer it takes for the stud to drive.
until a guy, who fed up with the stud, decides to leave his car and yell at the man on the convertible. still nothing.
another guy, comes out of another car. more yells. still, no moving.
by then the lines waiting to get on the blvd (which leads to one of the busiest freeways in orange county) is just gigantic, so one by one, people started to leave their cars and yell at the mercedez guy.
they finally stop the traffic, so that the stud could drive away.
i was sitting at the starbucks right on the corner, laughing my ass off.
besides the obvious (the guy was an asshole, and i wish i could've scratched his car), i got another feeling out of this.
i had just walked thirty minutes to that particular starbucks , just so that i could walk. i mean, i work at a starbucks, i can't even think of that coffee even though i'm completely addicted and drink it everyday. i turn on my i-pod and i go.
and that's how's it's been lately. i pretty much walk everywhere, which is pretty rare, considering southern california wasn't built around pedestrians, but around cars. and the myth is true: everyone drives.
but walking gives me such freedom. it's my time to just listen to music really loud, shut all sounds from outside. i go to the rhythm of every song, always thinking a lot. and they're usually positive thoughts, because by doing this i realized that losing my license wasn't the end of the world. it was something that had to happen. not thinking on the material value of your license, but that piece of nothing is your contract with freedom. driving down pacific coast highway going towards laguna, with the sunset and the ocean right in front of you, so immense you'd think it was a giant plasma screen. somehow it made all the problems go away.
but it is the past, and i realize now that crying because of it made me waste valuable time and dig myself into a bigger hole.
and it's gonna take a lot of energy to fully reach the top. but i can already see A LOT of light. a lot of understanding. these are by far blessed days...

laguna beach/05

everyone's retarded. (even me)

god, some people are just too fucking stupid to realize what they're doing to their lives.
i "know" relationships are off limits, no one should tell someone what to do in that matter, but it's just too fucking late. i'm sorry, they have to brake up, she's just completely psycho. but i guess he's stupid if he chose to be with her... maybe they deserve each other, maybe they'll get married and have dysfunctional little babies, that will grow up to be the next McVeigh...
i'm just really bitter, not because i still want him, because i really don't, but just because we were supposed to be really good friends. and the thing is: it didn't surprise me that he'd act like that. i saw it coming. i shouldve prepared myself.
what does it mean when people stop being unpredictable?

::interpol - slow hands

(yeah, we fucked. big fucking deal. that's because he's a big closet case. he's a big fucking homo, and he won't admit it. you know what? it wasn't worth it, he had a small dick)

i heart clear channel.

i am, for the first time in my life, completely cut out from the "pop-culture" world. in fact, the words culture and pop should not go together. ever.
well, i guess i just got really pissed at the media. i mean, i used to breathe all the useless information that vh1 loves to put out. i used to sit through hours and hours of celebrity showdown, celebrity this, celebrity that, who's best dressed, who was the worst dressed, people with nice bodies, people who have money, paris hilton specials... i mean, did paris and nicole buy vh1?
don't even get me started with the radio. THAT is something i can't deal with. i guess the final straw was the day i tried 5 different radio stations and ALL of them were playing 50 cent. AT THE SAME TIME!!! the guy is a ex-drug dealer who can't even open his mouth, and i bet you he's number one on billboard right now.
i'm so sick of the same thing, over and over, and i guess my voice isn't enough to change the media, but i have made up my mind: they will not tell me what to listen to, they will not tell me what to see. and most importantly: THEY WILL NOT TELL ME HOW I SHOULD BEHAVE! (hear that, mtv?)
i saw forrest gump the other day, for the first time. i'm not really a tom hanks fan so i never really bothered, but the movie was good. just a few decades ago people were out on the street making protesting, making sure their voices were being heard. they were out there making sure that the sexual revolution took place. they were out there trying to put an end to racism. we need this sort of involvement right now, especially amongst gays and lesbians. people are trying to send us back to middle-age, and we are not doing anything. we're just sitting and complaining, and repeating the same mistakes over and over... we need to stand up and fight for our rights. okay, i know this has totally taken a martin luther king tone, but i'm feeling completely revolutionary today.
hun... totally forgot where i was going with this...
oh! if you feel like you disagree with me, please, use words to tell me how you feel. if you just call me an asshole i'll realize you're probably an uneducated red-neck who can't think of anything better to do than to hump his chickens and leave nasty comments on other people's blogs. nothing against the south, of course. i'm sure there must be SOME amazing people out there!
k, that's it,
i'm done here.
just remember: fight the power! (j/k)

welcome back homo.

[we] do not support the murder of Matthew Shepard: "thou shalt not kill." Unless his killers repent, they will receive the same sentence that Matthew Shepard received - eternal fire. However, the truth about Matthew Shepard needs to be known. He lived a Satanic lifestyle. He got himself killed trolling for anonymous homosexual sex in a bar at midnight. Unless he repented in the final hours of his life (not likely since God had given him up! - Romans 1), He is in hell. He will be in hell for all eternity, "where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched." Mark 9:44. For each day that passes, he has only eternity to look forward to. All the candlelight vigils, all the tributes, all the acts of Congress, all the rulings by the Supreme Court of the United States, will not shorten his sentence by so much as one day. And all the riches of the world will not buy him one drop of water to cool his tongue. godhatesfags.com

"Currently I still feel the call of this sin, though I no longer act on it. The final chapter of my odyssey of escape from the clever lies of an immutable fag nature is perhaps not yet written. But I pray to God for redemption. I'm not yet sure of the state of my salvation, but if nothing else, I have turned my back on fag sin and all the evil that comes with it." words of an "ex-fag", who turned his back (hihihi!) to homosexuality.

“The assumption that we are immoral and that we are disordered is wrong, and if they are now being more ambiguous about their message, it’s because they and others among Christians in the country are wrestling with the ambiguity that comes from a faulty assumption [...] but I would just not trust the messenger. They have proven themselves to be disingenuous where gay people are concerned.” Harry Knox of the Human Rights Campaign

fucking faggot.

and that's how it started.
a couple of days ago, she called me a faggot. she was my friend's roomate, and the anger came after i stopped her from stealing a microwave. i guess the fact that she would steal would be enough for me to want to bitch-slap her, but she had to go "there."
she should've known better.
wow, was she was surprised when i jumped on it, with all the anger, ALL THE FUCKING ANGER i had inside of me. she might as well be wearing a freakin' bull's eye on her face.
she was going down.
and that's how it started.
before i know, we're both on the floor, furniture knocked down, a couple of dirty plates broken. a full on fight. the first fight i've ever been in my life. sort of...
since the bitch was a girl, and since her two-hundred-and-fifty pounds, half-mexican half-native american father was just down the hallway, i couldn't hit her. she was a princess, and i was the crazy faggot, and god help me if i touch her.
she knew that, she knew and she took advantage of it.
I WAS HIT TWICE BY A GIRL.
(a girl who still has 'nsync posters on her walls, i might add...)
it was surreal.
let's change the scenario a little, and you will see why. a white girl turns to a proud black male and calls him a "fucking nigger."
case closed.
what makes it okay for these people to call us fags? what makes it okay for someone to publish an entire web-site dedicated to gay bashing and spreading the word that god hates homossexuals? in the midst of all we've conquered, can we really feel victorious if we can't even get people to know that, by calling someone a fag you have destroyed years of civil rights struggles? can we really celebrate gay pride if we still have un-educated people quoting the bible to defend their homophobic views?
it's easy to justify hate if you put god's name after it. (remember the kkk?)
how can we compete with "Him"
cher?
going after homossexuals can be a good strategy. bush seems to think so, and he won the hearts of troubled homophobics accross the country with a campaign against gays and lesbians and a "born again" philosphy. now that sandra is out and another conservative could be on his way to the supreme court, we shoulf watch out for what could be a real campaign against us.
so i had no doubt that i had to do something. true, i couldn't hit the whore. i wanted to, but that's just not my character...
so i used all my gay intelligence, and with the help of god, i released the air of both her front tires, just so she would have to go down and ask for help. just so she would see that kneeling down is not as easy as it seems.
any fag could tell you.

vegas, baby!

.

1.the venetian.

2.waiting in line for an all you can eat extravaganza! damn right i'm ghetto!

3. ... what to say? what to say? a moment i'm not proud of...

4.hope my dui classmates don't see that. that double gulp was full of vodka and red bull. and he was driving!! gasp!!

5.the haagen-dazs ice cream man and i were having a moment!

6.can you see the canals? neither can we. the drunk who took this picture has not heard of a flash light!

7.rehab at the hard rock pool...

8.thais and myself

9.sun coming up as we were making our way back on saturday/sunday morning

10.alliny and myself.

11.rehab. what a clever name...

12.can you say alcoholics? neither could we!

13.supermodel alliny kym and cousin.

14.studio 54, where we spent some amazing minutes...

15.gustavo should learn to hold up to his german blood.

16.hard alcohôl.

17.ana was very hungry for pictures. she didn't want her husband to be photographed.

...

not a whole lot to say these days... my car is gone, my license is gone. From now on, walking everywhere. ha! karma is a bitch. i guess...
i used to say that i hated walking, i used to drive everywhere. it sucks, but it's supposed to make me stronger. i still hate it though.

in a nut shell

people just always go. one day someone decides... uhn, you know what, being in your presence really bothers me, and or my personal problems are taking over my life so I really don't have time for this, kind of thing. and then what? you meet new people. you get to know them. you get that feeling, that, hey, he's cool, i could totally see myself with this person for a while. and just when you get comfortable...
the answering machine. i swear, for someone as paranoid as i am, THAT is just death! what if they're screening calls, and you happen to be the person they're blocking? i mean, it's not like everything is peachy right now, but i didn't think we were on the "not talking terms" and blah... blah...
i just hate feeling like my life depends on other people. when will i ever be able to shut off ALL the FUCKING VOICES?
wow, when did i become such a psycho? the thing with this blog is that i'll try my hardest not to edit myself. i want this to be true to who i am. i have reached a level of knowledge about the kind of world we live in that i never believed possible.
you see, i have always been very sheltered by my over-protective mother. she means no harm, really, she's just EVERYWHERE. and the fact that she has this cute brazilian accent that everyone seems to fall for just makes it that much harder to swallow. hehe, i love her, but i need to move away. you see, it's not like we live in the same house. we SHARE a fucking bedroom. yeah. try sharing a bedroom with an almost 60 year-old woman. not funny.
where was i? probably complaining. i do that a lot. complain about everything. i'm critical of my own criticism, and sometimes i join my friends on discussions on how my criticism seems to hurt everyone, and how i'm cold, usually don't care about anyone feeling's but mine, and you can see that i have amazing friends. jesus, i really can't get along with humans! they all bother me, i'll probably die old and a big stoner on a house that smells and has just way too many cats. to the point that they're taking over the whole place...
getting off subject with the cat story... you see, i'm really stoned and my thoughts and my hands don't travel at the same speed.
yeah, so this is it. in a bunch who i am.
o, but there's so much more, you're just dying to know, aren't ya?