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legs up!

haha, i think i'm cured!
i'm back to lovable mood...
i might get some action tonight, yey!!
the possibility of sex has always been appealing to me!

it could`ve been true.

[deleted]

maybe just a prozac

[deleted]

o reveillón

good bye, 05.
i'll really miss ya.
i'm glad i lived through it. i'm glad i went through everything i went through this year. a lot of changes, i lived 20 years in one.
it was a year of growth, of learning, of pushing limits and finnaly getting to know myself.
it was the most important year of my life... god! if someone had told me, twelve months ago that i'd be sitting at my own apartment in brazil i'd laugh at that person's face.
if someone had told me of all the pain and of the recovering,
if someone had told me that i'd have to go to a.a. meetings, that i'd have to be scared of going to jail, that i'd drive a beamer for 3 months, that i'd hit the lowest point i've ever hit...
if someone had told me i'd start to smoke pot, that i would start to walk (haha, yeah, i walk now... a lot!)
if someone had told me that i'd come out to my family,
i would have never believed...
i'm happy that i'm still here, because so many times i felt like i would just give up.
this year was about diving deep into myself and discovering shit that maybe i was too scared of finding out...
and all the people that i met,
all the fights, god, so many fights!
so many laughs too. so much partying, so much fucking happiness.
this is the year that made me into myself.
and i'm glad i lived through it.
i'm glad i lived it all.

a little happy note.

literally feel like death right now.
trying my hardest to not get on the first plane away from here
and all the problems
and HIM
what did i do?
what did i fucking do???

zzzzzzzzzz

It has been a while since I updated this blog. I don't know why, a lot of stuff has happened in the past three months. I should have wanted to write it all down, but every time I tryed I really didn't feel any inspiration. It's hard for me to find inspiration at good times, because it ends up sounding fake. If I'm having a great time, if things are just working out, writing about, at least to me, seems like I'm trying to show off, like I want people to know that I'm doing okay. I don't know if I'm makeing any sense, but...
Well, as usual, my peak of happiness is being followed by a very low stage. It's normal human behavior, but I guess since I'm about to finish Prozac Nation for the second time, any sadness can be interpreted as a clinical case of depression...
Not that I'm doing all that bad, but things could be better. I guess I reached that point of "what the fuck did I do?" the same I felt when I first moved to California, five years ago.
Getting used to a new country is hard. i'm not working right now, it's been impossible to find a job, and I have all this free time to think about shit and wonder why did I ever get on that plane. My mood has been darker than ever, I find myself snapping at people that have nothing to do with my anger, just trying to take some of the burden of my shoulders. The boyfriend is clearly not happy with me, he's gained weight, and we don't have sex anymore. He went from this charismatic person with a great sense of humor, to someone who's always tired and doesn't want to ever see me. I'm always fighting with someone, mostly because I'm stressed out and everything makes me irritated.
Last night I had a huge fight with one of my best friends, and I feel so bad about all the terrible things I said to her that I don't even have the courage to call and apologize. It wouldn't seem sincere. Now, what do I do? I can't keep pushing people away from me, especially people that are trying so desperately to help me, but I just don't have the energy to keep on smiling and trying to have a good time...
I'm so confused right now... I hope things get better, but if they don't, if I can't find the right track to my life, I just don't know what I'll do.